Emergency Meeting of the Plant of the Year Committee
Hello everyone. Sit down. Sit down, please. I’ve called this meeting to address several petitions to the committee chair, er … me, about possible changes to this year’s awards ceremony. Since we are only weeks away from the nomination deadline, and two months away from the awards show, I thought it was critical to address these petitions immediately so we can have time to make any changes that we (I) approve today. I know we are all pressed for time, especially our autumn bloomers, windflowers and toad lilies, who are anxious to get back to their garden beds, so let’s get started.
Oh, before we begin, can somebody make a note that we continue to only serve coffee and water at these meetings, and some of us don’t drink coffee? For the hundredth time, can we please have some kind of juice at the beverage bar? And for that matter, could we add decaf coffee to the beverage menu? Some of you get pretty nasty when you drink caffeinated coffee. While I’m thinking of it, why not offer some neem oil for those of you who bother to show up at our board meetings?
Who is taking the minutes today? Would someone please grab a notepad and take some notes? Someone? Anyone? If someone doesn’t step up, I’ll have to volunteer someone, and I’d really prefer not to do that. Well, if that’s the way it has to be: Bleeding heart, why don’t you take the minutes since you’ve totally disappeared from the garden over the past month or so and you seem to need something to do. Thank you.
Now to business. The first petition on the agenda comes from the spring flowers, who want a special award category created for spring bloomers. They feel, perhaps with some validity, that by the time the voting (my vote) comes in for Plant of the Year, too much time has passed and their contributions to the garden are being neglected or minimized. I’ve considered this petition and I think it has merit. We will add seasonal categories this year in order for the judging to be fair. We will add spring, summer, and fall Plant of the Year categories, but we will still have one overall winner.
The second petition comes from a plant in the back bed who claims she has too far to travel to the awards ceremony. She suggests that we do a Zoom call instead of our usual big event to ease travel concerns and to save money. The petitioner points out that we still don’t have a presenting sponsor (or any other sponsor) for the awards ceremony, and last year’s presentation put our organization deeply in the red for the year. Let me thank the petitioner for her thoughtful comments but let me make a few observations of my own. The awards ceremony has become an iconic moment in American gardening, with gardeners across the country and around the world tuning in to see the winners, both on livestream and network TV. Considering that many influencers capture the moment for us on social media, where recent estimates total millions of followers, we can look forward to more free media exposure in the future. I believe there is new ad revenue to be had one way or another, reducing our out-of-pocket costs. Bleeding heart, can you make a note that we need to talk about increasing our annual dues at our next meeting? As for driving time, I would suggest using a variety of ride-sharing options, including travel by wheelbarrows and yard carts. We will continue to aggressively look for an event sponsor to defray the cost of the event, but rest assured, the event will go on. Petition denied.
How are we doing? Do any plants need a water break? We have some fertilizer in the back of the room if anyone feels the need.
A third petition arrived last week that I want to address with the committee. There is a rumor circulating that I am considering nominating an annual plant for Plant of the Year. The petitioners, the daylilies in the sun bed, want a declaration that annual plants may not be nominated. And in fact, the zinnias and marigolds in the sun bed have had a specular year, stunning everyone with their robust growth and gorgeous flowers. However, zinnias and marigolds are not perennial plants that grow back every year. The argument for including them in the nominating process is they are self-seeding and can indeed reappear every year, even though technically it will be a different plant each year. I didn’t find this decision to be particularly difficult. I grant the petition. The Plant of the Year award is for perennial plants only, and even though the annual plants have made an extraordinarily positive impact on the garden this year, they will not be eligible for a nomination. However, I will thank them from the podium for their terrific contribution to the garden.
Lastly, there is a cowardly, anonymous petition to add two additional judges to the awards panel this year. The petitioners imply, but don’t come right out and say, that the current judge (myself) may not be totally objective when making the awards, and that adding two additional voices to the awards conversation will make the process more “fair.” I want to make it absolutely clear that my judging applies the highest standards to deciding our Plant of the Year winner, as well as the other awards given out during the show. I realize there is a great deal of prestige at stake for plants hoping to being nominated for an award, and of course, winning the trophy. (Bleeding heart, can you look into where we are with ordering this year’s trophy? We might be able to upgrade from plastic to something more prestigious this year.) I think it’s fair to say that I’m the best judge available for this awards show, and it is my pleasure to reject this petition with great prejudice. If I find out who these petitioners are, I will be happy to meet them outside with a can of herbicide at any time that is convenient for them.
If bleeding heart has captured today’s business in the notes, I am not going entertain any additional new business today. We are all busy preparing for the show, and I know you want to get your nominations in by the deadline. If you would, please grab your coffee cups, fertilizer containers, and other trash, and deposit it in the proper bins in the back of the conference room. Yes, we are recycling.
May I have a motion to adjourn? No? Well … we are adjourned anyway. Please be careful making your way back to your respective flower beds.
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